moodygoose

i don’t know

To be honest I get really uncomfortable when people ask me ‘oh so what are you going to do in the future?’. I don’t quite know what to say, because I do not have a definite answer. How do I explain to them that I don’t know what I’m going to do and that I don’t want to talk about it? I was asked that (dreaded) question last night over dinner and when i said that ‘i don’t know i’m trying to blank it all out’ the response i got was the typical ‘oh. how can you not think about it?’.

While sketching at Ann Siang yesterday I met someone and we briefly discussed ‘the future’. Her name is Bridget and she is one of the two lovely ladies who own Philomel. I spent a fair bit of time talking to her after we met outside her shop. I happened to be sitting on the leather armchair by her doorstep when she kindly said ‘hello! feel free to sit as long as you want ok? come in if you need a drink! it’s hot outside’. My first reaction when I saw her was ‘oh god i’m going to get yelled at this is singapore you do not just sit on chairs without any permission’ and her friendliness caught me by surprise for a bit. I then hastily responded with a hello thank you that’s very kind of you its ok im alright with sweltering outside its rather enjoyable actually.

After sketching for a bit I popped in to say thank you! to bridget but was ~as always~ distracted by the wonderful loot inside the comfortably cosy shop full of lovely things. The dresses didn’t quite fit but we somehow started talking about travelling and then arrived at ‘the future’. The conversation went something like this:

so what are your plans for now?
-oh i’m just juggling 2 part time jobs, waiting for university and bumming around
ah that’s nice. what do you want to study?
-law. I think. well i’ve always been rather interested in it.
oh law haha. you do know that it has the highest drop out rate right. so many of my friends who studied law couldn’t take it.
-yes. well. i think i’m up for it.
do you want to study law or is it your parents decision?
-mine. my parents don’t really care about what i do as long as its decent haha.
hahaha well are you really willing to slave away at a job like that? most lawyers don’t last very long. it’s tough
-i’m not sure. i hope my interest will help me to stay in the field for as long as possible i guess but its never been my intention to be a lawyer for the rest of my life. presuming that i make it to law school in the first place. what did you do before starting Philomel?
i did lots of things. i have many degrees too. i own this store and paint now mostly but before this i studied accountancy.
-accountancy. wow that’s a big leap. what made you jump from one end to the other?
i never wanted to be an accountant. my parents wanted me to do that. if you’re not sure about something, don’t waste money. do what you like.
-well maybe i’ll get a degree in law first, and i’ll see how things go. you never know what may happen.
but still… haha you’re still young. you’ll understand when you get older … but if you do get a place in nus, wanna buy a celebratory dress?
-of course. it’ll be a miracle if i get in.
alright, so if i see you here next time at the counter with a dress, i’ll congratulate you

What do I love? Reading, writing, drawing, travelling, making things. What can I do that incorporates all these things? Will I be paid enough? Is it enough to support me and my family in the future? The answer is most likely to be a… NO. I don’t want to be a penniless artist for the rest of my life. I do not want to rely on my parents for financial support when I’m older. I must be independent. Art may make me happy and wild but it (probably) cannot fill my tummy. Or perhaps I am just a coward. Not brave enough to fight for what I want. NO BRAVERY. Is my desire for financial stability (in the future) good enough a reason to study Law and become a lawyer? I am interested in Law, and I think that being a lawyer is a job full of challenges I am? prepared to face but after much pondering, I realized that beneath this facade of ‘ooh law is interesting and meaningful’, my desire to practice law really stems from my greed.

I will never be noble or selfless enough to go all ‘pro bono’. If practicing law = drawing the same salary as a blue collar worker (sorry no offence) I know that I would never consider it as a career choice but then again, who would? Okay maybe if you’re already filthy rich and truly pure at heart. Or if you truly ‘love’ Law. I’m not like that. Perhaps this is why law is not suitable for me; I lack that much needed sense of martyrdom and passion.

On the flip side, if I do make it to law school and GRADUATE, I will probably be able to lead a comfortable life, a life that most Singaporeans spend a lifetime working for/towards. A good salary, a decent home, a stable job. We Singaporeans are so pragmatic. Give up what you love for what is necessary. Exchange free time, hobbies and more for stability and ‘a good future’. What does that mean anyway, ‘a good future’?

Does good grades + university + good grades + job = a good future?
Does job + house + salary = a good future?

I don’t know (this seems to be the recurring phrase of this very longwinded post).

Then again, not all of us are like that but I believe that a good lot of us have had/will have to choose between what we want and what we need or what is ‘good’ for us. If your wants and your needs coincide, good for you. You must be truly special and blessed. Let me know who you are, Really. I’m not being sarcastic or bitter here. I’ll probably end up envying you.

Now how does one squeeze and compact all this into an awkward conversation over dinner without sounding like a self-centered, troubled and longwinded teenager? Le impossible.